Joy

Today is my little guy RJ’s 1st birthday.  I am amazed at how he is growing right in front of my eyes.  Just think, this time last year I spent 32 hours (yes 32) bringing forth a vision of love.  So let’s tell his birth story, the short version.

It started off like any other Monday.  Clinic.  A full clinic.  My contractions started during the 1st half of the day but I brushed them off and sat down when I could. We had gotten a sudden cold snap and I was starting to worry about his coming home outfit so I told the Ambassador we should stop at the mall to pick up a new outfit more suitable for the current weather.

Now of course, stop at the mall to a pregnant lady really means stop at a restaurant.  We went to the mall in the hood so I said, let’s just go to App.le.bee’s.  I should have known something then because I never eat there.  Contracting through dinner, I stuffed my face soldiered on.  The Ambassador said “Do you think we should go to the hospital? It’s only a few minutes away.” My reply of course was “Nah, let’s go home.  If it gets worse, we’ll go the hospital”.  Home of course is 20 minutes in the OPPOSITE direction.  We go home (never made it to the mall) and I decide to lay down.  Yep, 20 minutes later I said to him, let’s just go to the hospital.

We get to the hospital and go to the emergency room.  I decided to be a good girl and not use my hospital ID to go straight to the triage.  That, plus I didn’t want to walk up there. Off to triage we go.  Now of course I work at the hospital and I knew that in all likelihood, I was going home.  Then I remembered that I was due on Labor Day (ironic, I know) and thought that if my doc could think of ANY reason, I was staying. At the time I was 1 cm dilated but contracting every 4-5 minutes so yep, staying.

I did well, I wasn’t the usual demanding doc.  I asked for a little IV pain meds and took a nap.  The Ambassador actually believed I would let him sleep if I was awake, yeah right! Once the IV pain meds wore off and I politely asked for my epidural, things were quite nice from there.  Ask my Facebook friends. I was on the computer or phone all night long with updates.  I had visits from classmates and great nurses.  All was well in my world.  They still clown me about facebooking in labor.  Whatever.  Nothing to do between 2 hour checks and there was nothing on tv.

So things progressed and it was time to push.  I went hard and let them turn off my epidural during pushing so I would be able to feel where to push.  I was starting to get worried because the school cutoff in Illinois is Sep 1 and it was 10 pm already.  Not that I wanted a c-section but shoot, if he missed the school cutoff by a few minutes I would have been PISSED.

So at 11:34 weighing a healthy 7 pounds 9 oz my life was changed forever by this little guy. 

Happy 1st Birthday Pumpkin!

Vacation

I have been on vacation all week.  This has been an unusual vacation because my plan was to spend the week organizing and cleaning.  So far I have cleaned out the car and washed 9 loads of laundry.  I have emptied a huge tote full of clothes I can’t wear and/or wouldn’t wear if I could (amazing that I found clothes that I have  been “looking” for all season tucked away in this mess).

I did do something for me though.  I went scrapbooking and I made it to the health food store for some hair products.  I don’t think I mentioned on the blog or anywhere else but I stopped perming my hair during my pregnancy.  Big chopped on June 14th so I’m learning and growing with my hair.  Such a change from my every two weeks religious pilgrimage to the hair salon.  I haven’t straightened it since I cut it off but I might in the next few weeks to trim the ends.  I’ll post pictures soon since I want to chronicle this journey on the blog.

Big Fine

I always saw myself as a big person, no matter what my size.  Until I was in college, my mother weighed a buck o five soaking wet with a brick in her hand and my brother could play hide and seek behind a flagpole.  My best friends in high school wore size 2 or 4 with room to spare.  Me, I was a whopping size 8.  I look back on that and fall out on the floor laughing my head off. Hell, if I could see 8 again, somebody might test me for the HIV or the cancer.  Thirty hit me super hard, I woke up one morning and couldn’t put on the pants that I had owned for years!  All of a sudden some fat chick was wearing my body.

I let that get out of hand.  12 became 14 became 16 and then I hit my threshold.  We all have one.  That number that makes you say, “oh no ma’am, this will not do”.  Baby or not, this will not do.  One of the reasons I kinda like staying in the military (reserve duty only) is that my weight can’t get too far away from me.  And this is one of those turning points.  I have lost weight before with the help of the devil personal trainer but this time I want to do it on my own.  So Wii Active and dusty trusty gym membership here I go again.  I don’t do diets, food is for nourishment and enjoyment not to enslave us.  I make smarter choices when I can and when I eat something fun, I enjoy it.  (damn you Frappe) I’m down 5 pounds already and have 25 more to drop.  Woo lawd, when I get there, watch out world.  The Ambassador has challenged me to drop the weight.  He must not know I am competetive with myself.  I hate to let me down.  I want to have another child in a year or two but I will not do it at this size.  I have promised myself a pricey pair of premium maternity jeans and a hot mama-to-be dress the next go round.  I keep this picture in my head but I need to put it on my non-existent vision board.

Big Goals

Big Plans

Results

Innervisions

Stevie Wonder said it best.

“You are my first breath
My first smile
And my morning cup of tea

Yours is the love
That I pray for
Before I go to sleep”

I guess I have love on the brain.  Several of my favorite blogs today were about love, all from a different point of view.  One was from a friendship love point of view, one from a woman who is looking for love, and a few from established loves. Doesn’t help that I have one friend getting married in a week and my best friend just had a new baby girl.  So many reasons to stop and think about love and marriage and joy, etc.

Marriage.  A short word with a powerful impact.  An institution.  A covenant.  A challenge. A committment.  Something that I failed at once and am planning to do again.  My friend who is getting married soon asked the question on FB about any advice to share prior to getting married.  I couldn’t answer because honestly I can’t say I know.  Maybe my true advice is that she should let their marriage be their marriage.  Nothing but some deep soul searching both together and as individuals will truly work, in my opinion.  Defining your home and your life as it works for you is the key.  The Ambassador is working part time right now and taking care of our son full time.  My sisters don’t quite understand that sometimes.  It works for us because we are saving money and ensuring that our  son is raised the way WE want him to be.  My friend is getting married after a short engagement and a rocky relationship.  The timing sounds crazy but who am I to judge.  Hell, it took me 10 years to marry the ex and we were divorced in 3 years.  Why is “traditional” correct?  We should do what works for the people who have to do it.  “Sweep in front of your own front door” as my mother would say.   My other friend is engaged and asking questions about wedding planning.  Everybody has a “if I were you” to add to the pot.  Weddings are expensive and a colossal waste of money most of the time.  Ask 2 people to spend a few thousand dollars on some counseling and some self-actualization (not self-help) books/videos/podcasts/etc and they will freak.  Invest $10K feeding people so they can get together and talk about how nasty the food was and how hideous the dresses were and how if they were you they would have… waste of time.  What kind of wedding do I really want? Me, the Ambassador, the minister, a beautiful sunny day and I am good (I thrive on sunshine- maybe it’s the fire sign in me maybe it’s just me).  No painful shoes, no expensive dress to sit in the closet, no froo froo.  Follow that up with a wonderful breakfast/lunch/brunch or whatever and I am great.  Maybe I’m just lazy.  Well, I am lazy but that’s not it.  I had the dress up for the people and get the gifts well-wishes thing.  I would rather have a few people there to pray over my marriage, not my wedding day.  Maybe it’s me

Rebirth

I spent today delivering a baby. One of my favorite clinic patients had a beautiful baby boy today. I’ve nicknamed him “Inchworm” because he has two older sisters that I’ve named “The Lady Bugs”. I love seeing the happiness of a family welcoming a new addition. Kinda warms my heart.

Strong contrast to the baby I delivered just 2 days before that. Young girl, 22 years old, stupid SOB father of baby. And when I say stupid, I mean like has given the girl chlamydia more than once.  Seriously, wait which one is stupid? I just don’t understand our young women who will settle for nonsense and then tie themselves to these little boys for life.  I fuss at her (as I do many of my patients) about wanting more.  How do you not want more for yourself?

When I had my lil one, all I could think of was how I want more.  I want to be the best mom I can be and surround my son with love and positive role models.  I want to give my child the best future possible.  But I guess if you already have a short world view, the best future possible may be bleak.  What kind of world do we live in that the decision to make babies takes less time than ordering McDonalds? Has this easy access, easy way out American way of life really taken us down a path that we don’t think about consequences.  I was reborn when I had my son.  I am no longer able to “fly solo”.  Everything I do affects him.  My choices have lasting consequences.  Sometimes that’s a lot of pressure (yes, self-inflicted) but the best oil comes out under pressure.

Be Prepared

*Cue the Aladdin music*

In my newly heightened state of self-awareness and planning for the future, my most important plan is to exist in a constant state of readiness.  When I was on active duty so very long ago, readiness was a constant buzzword.  Your medical, dental and personal readiness were charted, discussed, and forecast.  The classes, appointments, training plans etc required to achieve readiness were assessed regularly by your superiors and your achievement of these expectations were part of your evaluations.

But on my own, where have I fallen off and what am I doing to return to a ready position?

Financially I am RED. My credit is being rebuilt as we speak. There are multiple reasons for that. Poor self management and self medication by restaurant is a huge part of that. Generational teaching is another. My mother always stressed rewarding yourself for hard work but never mind that you can’t afford the damn reward. This is the greatest source of my stress right now because I found out yesterday that my apartment building is on the market. So now I have the option of rolling the dice and hoping for a decent landlord for the next year or moving with NO money. There are already interested potential buyers and it is a wonderful place so I’m sure it will move fast. My original plan was to live here for 2 more years and then buy. I’ll be starting my first post-residency job and I want to make sure I like it before I decide about buying a house. Now of course, that may not be a good plan. I’m planning to use the next year to increase my moving readiness just in case I have to move. I had planned on staying in the area post-residency but what if God is trying to pull the rug out so I will be forced to leave? I firmly believe that you stay where you are until the lesson is done. Lesson #1: Be prepared.

Professionally I am YELLOW. I have another year of residency left. There are lots of family medicine positions in smaller towns outside the city but I really want to be here. I also have to plan that I will need to support myself for possibly 2 months while I wait for my first check. I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing where I will be working, where I will be living. I’m trying to get organized for the job hunt now. Lesson #2- Stay Ready

Personally I am Yellow-Green. I’m stressed about all that I have going on. We’re planning to get married soon. I’m lucky in love but at a standstill in the rest of my life. My fervent prayer right now is that God orders my steps to make wise decisions that will set my family up for success. I don’t know what direction I’m heading but I’m trying to stay prayerful (easier said than done sometimes- perhaps that’s the lesson here)

Damn! I can’t get that stupid Aladdin song out of my head now.

Is this thing on…

So I decided to start blogging again.  I think I need an outlet for my thoughts.

Exhausted Spirit seems like such a long time ago.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still tired as hell but I decided to focus more on who I am and where I want to be instead on my never ending lament on who I am not and where I should be.

So where am I now:

- I am now the proud mother of an absolutely adorable almost 11 month old boy.  I mean ADORABLE.  One day his real parents will realize he’s missing and come looking for him.  I never ever ever thought I would have the baby before the marriage but it’s a choice I made.  This baby boy was made in love and is so well loved it’s ridiculous.  Motherhood is an incredible journey and I am overwhelmed and tired and excited and bubbling over with joy (and laundry)

- Who is the dad you ask? Dad is the wonderful Ambassador.  My best friend and partner in crime.  I named him the Ambassador because he knows EVERYBODY.  I mean EVERYBODY!  We go to the store and he sees someone he knows.  We’re chit chatting about my high school friends and he starts laughing like he knows the person.  And of course, he does.  They dated his roomate’s cousin’s uncle’s best friend’s next door neighbor on the right or something random like that.  We’re silly and ridiculously sweet and mushy and I am so not used to this.  He’s all of my exes and male friends in one package.  He’s my road dawg like the Ex-Husband, treats me like a princess like Coach,  makes me feel like a woman like Mr Never Should Have Been, and is smarter than hmmm no comparison there (well maybe the Best ManFriend).  I may have talked about him in my old spot.  We’ve known each other since high school, started hanging out after seeing each other at a wedding a few years ago, and have been dating (and now engaged) for 2 years. Yep, I’m taking the plunge again and getting married.  We have taken our premarital class and are set to marry in a very private ceremony in less than 2 months (well that is if we can finish all the details – see what happens if you let a man do the planning).  I think my views on marriage and a second one is a whole ‘nother blog topic.  Lets see if I can keep it up to write again tomorrow.

- I’m one of the Chief Residents in my residency program.  Last year of residency has begun.  This job is a huge responsibility but  I believe in the strengths of my program and I want to see our program be successful.  In a few months I will be looking for my first permanent doctor job and I am nervous, excited, well prepared.  Well let’s just say, I don’t know what I am other than ready to get a real paycheck

So this is me, where I am now.  Focused, determined and making changes.  I’m on a journey, watch out now!